Chess Explanations for Chessnophobes
The origin of chess is as much a mystery as the game itself. Some
say that the origin of chess was in India, others say it was Egypt
while others say that they will never smoke again. Through
extensive research, exhaustive arm-wrestling and best of three
stone paper and scissors matches we have decided that the evidence
is inconclusive. Besides who really cares anyway ?

Chess is a game that can be played by anyone from any background,
from infant to ancient, from Partsman to Van Driver. Chess
requires skill and mental awareness (This eliminates 99 out of 100
Partsmen however)

How do you win at chess?
Simple !!! put your opponents King in a position he doesn’t want
to be in and can’t escape from ( Like the Parts managers job at
Autoparts Eccosse) If you directly threaten your opponents King he
is said to be ‘in check’. If he cannot move out of check and no
other piece can intervene you have checkmated your opponent.

THE PIECES
Pawns are the smallest/dumbest pieces on the board. Pawns can move
forward 1 square at a time, 2 if it’s the first time they have
moved, 3 or more if your opponent is sleeping. Pawns can never go
back but they can go forward diagonally in order to capture
another piece. The word pawn is derived from the old English word
‘Pawne’ meaning to punt your Rolex for beer money. A Pawn is
worth one point in scoring. To make up for lack of a prominent
sexual organ the Pawn does have one special ability. If a Pawn
makes it all the way across the board unmolested it wondrously
transforms into any other piece (Like a caterpillar). This is
called promotion.

Knights are the next on the scoring system and are worth 3 points
apiece. Some argue that because of their leaping ability they
should be worth more but in reality their erratic version of the
time warp leave much to be desired. A Knight jumps 2 squares
forward and 1 square to the left or right. Alternatively they can
move the square to the left or right first. If a Knight gets two
different pieces in its area of control they are said to be
forked. Too right they are.
Bishops have the same value in the scoring system as a Knight
namely 3 points but the bishop is considered more valuable due to
its potentially unlimited movement. A Bishop can move diagonally
on its colour as long as its path is not blocked. They start out
on either side of the King and Queen, one on white and one on
black. The Bishop was included in chess as a marketing ploy to get
avid churchgoers out of the kirks and into the smoky confines of
illicit chess parlours.

Rooks are the castley looking pieces in the corner of the
chessboard they are worth 5 points when scoring is used. They have
unlimited movement the length of the board when there are no
roadblocks in place. Unlike the Bishop the Rooks travel in
horizontal and vertical paths, and currently hold the United
Kingdom all comers long jump record to boot.

The Queen has 2 of the most well rounded assets in the game, that
is the ability to move her in any one of eight directions and
unlimited distance. And when she goes all the way, phew !!! She
always starts on her own colour next to her sugar daddy, the King
and is worth 9 points in games that count the score.

Since Graceland is worth millions, the King is the most valuable
piece on the board. Its obviously a later version of the King as
it can only waddle one square at a time, although it can move in
any direction (usually towards McDonalds) The King isn’t worth any
points but is always good for a few high interest loans.

SPECIAL MOVES
En Passant
French for ‘in passing’. This move takes place when an opposing
Pawn moves two squares forward in order to avoid capture from your
advanced Pawn. You may place your Pawn on the square where your
opponents Pawn would have been had he only moved one square and
then remove the offending piece from the board. Sounds
complicated? Not to an astro physicist. You may waive your right
to the En Passant but once the chance has gone you are not
entitled to capture the aforementioned Pawn in this manner at a
later time.


Castling
French for Castling. Castling is a strategic move designed to
free up the Rook and barricade the King behind a bunch of cannon
fodder Pawns. For football fans its kinda like having a defensive
wall lined up for a free kick (as long as someone doesn’t duck
when the ball comes your usually safe) Every player should Castle
during a game, if you don’t you will never ever ever win, not in a
million years (okay I’m exaggerating now but you get my drift )
Castling involves your King and one of your Rooks. The pieces to
be Castled cannot have moved previously in the game, not even one
square (it’s the rules I’m sorry). To Castle move your King two
squares to the left or right then place the Rook that you moved
towards on to the square next to the King in the middle of the
board.

Are you ready to continue? Have you remembered everything so far?
Quickly now how many points is a Rook worth? WRONG!!

CHECK AND CHECKMATE
When you are in Check there are only 4 things that you can do:-
Move your King out of Check
Move another piece so that it blocks your King from being in Check
Capture the piece that put your King in Check
Write a Cheque to bribe your opponent

If you cannot do any of the above because it would have put your
King in Check again then you have been Checkmated and you have
lost the game. Your opponent will generally know this and smugly
lord it over you, in which case you are entitled to wipe the smile
off of his/her face (delete as appropriate) with a swift kick in
the lower pelvic region. If your King is not in Check but you
cannot move without putting him into Check it is deemed to be a
Stalemate (or drawn game). Time to get the draughts out.





HINTS AND TIPS

Control the centre of the board, move your mobile pieces where
they can attack from multiple directions.
Obliterate your opponents strong pieces with your weaker pieces.
This ensures that they will fly into a rage when they realises
your brilliant strategy.
Never eat yellow snow
Bishops and Knights should be brought into action as soon as
possible so that they can get into the thick of things.
Think carefully about the moves you make. Are you exposing
yourself to impending attack? Are you exposing yourself full stop?
You really should cover up more in this weather.
A Pawn saved is a Pawn earned.
Set up your pieces before trying to Checkmate your opponent.
Haphazardly exchanging pieces may result in you ending up with the
ones with marmite on them and besides you might lose your piece
box into the bargain.

LEARN THE OPENINGS
A typical chess opening is the Kings gambit.
According to legend the Kings gambit is based on a pre-Elvis
fable. Emperor Napoleon - King of France and general hard case
liked to organise matches – (The winner wins, the loser dies). The
participating peasants did not like them that much, the losers
even less. Chess became a pre-battle ritual for the Emperor. After
particularly exciting matches Napoleon donned his cap, mounted his
trusty steed ( always using a condom) and raced off to play
Cowboys and Indians with the local kids, who hated letting the
little squirt play. They had to though because he was the only one
that had guns.





GLOSSARY
ATTACK :- An aggressive action against a piece or an area of the
board is an attack. If wheezing persists see a doctor.
BERSERKER :- A style of play characterised by wild sacrifices,
most often played by raving lunatics or paranoid schizophrenics.
CHECKMATE:- An attack that leaves the King no available exit. A
Typical Checkmate would be a Polish farm girl , Czech’s find them
irresistible.
DEFENCE:- What are you stupid? Its in front of de house.
ENDGAME:- The final phase of the game when its down to the last
few pieces. One common indicator of the Endgame is when the Queens
are exchanged. In one title match Nigel Short exchanged his for a
fluorescent green leotard and some postcards from Minsk.
FLANK:- The three extreme rows on each side of the board or a
cheap steak that you serve up to the In Laws.
GAMBIT:- To sacrifice a Pawn at the start of a game in order to secure some longer term aims later,
such as early retirement or last orders at the bar.
INITIATIVE:- The ability to threaten an opponent without swinging a baseball bat above your head
between shots.
MATE:- The snoring beast next to you in bed.
MIDDLEGAME:- The part between the opening and the Endgame. Got that ? GOOD! Now where’s
that application form for MENSA.
MINOR PIECES:- Pawns , Knights and Bishops and a punk band from Cowdenbeath.
PAWN CHAIN:- A diagonal line of the same coloured Pawns or a successful franchiser of second
hand merchandise.
PROMOTION:- Not bloody likely! Or when a Pawn reaches the far end of the board unmolested he
can become any other piece that he wants to be (not a King) a Knight a Bishop a Rook or Julian
Clairy.
STALEMATE:- A situation in which the moving player can make no legal move and has been barred
from taking further action from the courts. The game is declared a draw and in a Knockout
tournament the winner is decided by ETCH A SKETCH best of three.
THREAT:- A move or strategy to endanger an enemies position.( Letting go of a silent but deadly
perhaps).